When I say that I am a Christian, what you hear is probably not what I say.
When I say that I am a Christian, I mean
that I’m alive when I wanted to be dead
that I’m married when I should be divorced
that after thirty-five years of the horrors of war—of attack and betrayal and torture and mutilation of self—that there is peace on this battlefield
that I finally recognize the voice of my enemy, which used to sound like myself but now sounds like sweet honey over a worn-out clutch grinding in the distance
that nothing is wasted, not failure or success, not disorder or delight, not bitter or sweet, not time before or time after
that it’s all been worth it.
When I say that I am a Christian, I mean
that lost and found aren’t fixed states but an ongoing game of hide and seek
that fear nips at my heels when it should be crushed beneath them
that I still swear and drink and ignore the homeless man at the intersection and eat my feelings and hurt people sometimes
that I am broken
that I am holy anyway
that I am made of words and earth and breathe borrowed breath and wield power I have not yet begun to grasp
that I am reclaimed and remade, translated and transfigured, chosen and changed
that I am myself.
When I say that I am a Christian, I mean
that I don’t have all the answers and never will and am learning to be okay with that
that what I do know is that there is a love longer and wider and higher and deeper than any and every poets’ ideal
that such love has a name
that I am more interested in the vibrancy of your soul than your partner or your politics
that I love you whether you believe me or not
when I say that I am a Christian.
I loved reading the truth in these words. ❤️
Thank you so much. <3